Don't Call My Name, Don't Call My Name, Alejandro

Okay, who already thinks Desperate Housewives ’ season eight is going to be so much better than anything we’ve seen in season seven? I realize that the unsatisfying trajectory of this year’s mystery doesn’t really bode well for the future success of Marc Cherry & Co.’s long-form storytelling, but the fact that all the Desperate Housewives dvd are going to be involved as partners in crime in next year’s caper instantly makes it more compelling than anything this show has given us in years. Finally, DH is getting back to basics, crafting a mystery that utilizes the entire ensemble rather than splitting the cast into a web of barely-connected, tangential story-threads.

Until the instantly infamous “progressive” dinner party late in the finale, the latter, fragmented approach unfortunately defined most of last night’s drama.

Bree wanted to take her relationship with Det. Chuck to the next level. But he proved to be mystifyingly sex averse. Chuck claimed that he wanted to hold off until his divorce was final, lest his cheating wife find legal ammo to stack the settlement in her favor. Lee, however, suggested another possibility. Drawing upon his singular “Desperate Housewives season 7 DVD boxset ” he said he’d seen the cop at aFairviewgay bar, and suggested that Chuck was only using Bree as a beard to enhance his macho cred among the Force. It didn’t help matters when Chuck introduced Bree to his colleagues with “See, I didn’t make her up!”

Lee also suggested that Chuck was in love with his Fairview PD partner, with whom he’d recently severed ties after nine years of serving together. Oh, and they had just severed ties after a camping trip. “Oh, God, it’s me and Tom Mankiewicz all over again,” Lee realized. (Could he be referring to the Tom Mankiewicz who wrote Diamonds Are Forever, easily the most homophobic James Bond movie ever? If he’d only seen its portrayal of Mr. Wynt and Mr. Kidd, he’d have known he was really barking up the wrong tree.)

Bree took Chuck to a gay bar to elicit a reaction. He admitted that he’d only been working undercover there, that his partner had been shtupping his wife, and that he was ready to get to second base. Later, Bree decided to scout his soon-to-be ex-wife’s S&M-inspired boutique, to get a sense of the competition. Not only did Doreen get wind of Bree’s intent to steal Chuck away for herself—thus giving the not-quite-ex a reason to hold out for a better settlement—she ended up with a skull purse.